Community Profile

Hello, gentle readers. This is my, das_mervin’s, sporking community. Originally, all of my sporks were just on my personal journal. That was all good and well, until two things happened. 1) I started getting spam, which caused me to flock my journal. 2) People started friending just for the sporks.

I’m not saying the second one is bad—however, I know there were some people on my flist who cared not about what my cat was doing at the time. They wanted to see some sporking, or some recapping. And thus this little community was born! All of my major and favorite sporkings are here. I hope you enjoy them!

Credit for the name of this journal goes to peterchayward.

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Now, even though I’m the only poster here, I do have a few ground rules for visitors. Aside from the usual—you know, no jerkass behavior—I have just one main rule.

DON’T LINK ANY OF THESE SPORKINGS BACK TO THE AUTHORS IN QUESTION.

That’s it. I don’t care if they find it on their own. But do NOT link it to the people I spork. It’s bad form, rude, and asking for trouble. It’s called TROLLING, not to mention it gives me grief because then I have to deal with them coming over here and whining about it, or even worse, them sending down their legions of fanbrats to come and tell me I’m a meanie for having an opinion that isn’t the same as theirs. This community is open for all to see. It’s not locked, the membership is not moderated. Please don’t make me have to change that, because I really, REALLY don’t want to put even more effort into this than I already have to. Yes, I’m that lazy. This is just a hobby, not a job.

To anybody who comes over here to yell at me for sporking their story:

It’s legal. Your stories are public domain. I can do whatever I want with them, so long as I credit you. And I do. I would never claim ownership of these things, trust me. In case you didn’t know it, you actually don’t have the right to write that. You have permission from the authors of the canon you’re so blithely stomping all over. Fanfiction is a very mild and mostly flattering form of copyright infringement, because that isn’t really your universe, you know. So don’t go on about your rights as an author—because you write fanfic. You don’t have all that many.

And this is my playground. I’ll stop the fight, should it start getting really nasty, but I’m not going to tell everyone to be nice, either. But I will tell you this: DON’T COME YELL AT ME AT MY PERSONAL JOURNAL. I mean that. You have a complaint? Yell at me in this comm, or even just send me a personal message. You stalk me back to my personal journal and start cluttering up my visible posts, I’ll completely ignore you until you learn to read. I say this because I’ve had that happen before, and it’s extremely annoying. My personal journal is not for your ranting. It’s for MY ranting. You’re not invited.

As for anybody mad at me for saying stuff about the authors or stories they like?

I’m not shoving my sporkings in the authors’ faces. I’m not doing it to spite anybody. I’m not doing it out of a grudge. And I have a right to my opinion.

Still gonna complain in hopes I’ll take it down? Here, I’ll speak a language you do understand.


Don’t like? Don’t read.

*salutes* Other than that, enjoy your stay here, and I hope I bring at least one laugh to your life!

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I do not own any of the fanfics sporked here. God knows I wouldn’t want to. They are the property of their respective Suethors, and they are welcome to them.

I do not own any of the films, books, or television series that are the basis for the badfic I spork.

I do not own the Twilight series. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer.

I sometimes use quotes from other forms of media. I try to do my best to link back any time I quote, but if I accidentally forget, I don’t own anything I quote, either.

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The sporkings themselves aren’t necessarily too bad. However, you should be warned that sometimes, the sporkers get stressed and start screaming obscenities, and I don’t know a single sporker who isn’t fond of some well-placed innuendo, whether it be subtle or not-so-subtle. However, some of the fics are extremely NWS. Just keep in mind that, if you see the tag “sexy time”, “bad slash”, or “do not want”, you’re probably gonna want to read it at home and/or keep the kids away because it features sex, nudity, language, and/or controversial issues. However, I’m not your mommy. You determine your maturity levels.

But I will say this: I really wouldn’t read “Hogwarts Exposed” unless you’ve sampled the Worst of the Worst already—at least find a script or a sporking of “Celebrian”, “Subjugation”, and “Little Miss Mary” before you start that one up. If you can stand those three? You’re ready to read “Hogwarts Exposed”.

So, basically, the warning is that we’re all adults here, and we act like it, and sometimes, the fics aren’t all sterile sweetness and light like the Airhead series. It’s safe to say that the sporking is rated what the fic is.

As for spoilers, just pay close attention to the fandom the sporking is part of and, if it is a fic based on a series, take a look at the big, bold SPORKING CANON label. That means that, if the fic is part of a series like Harry Potter, that is which book had been released at the time of the sporking. However, please keep in mind that just because the sporker had read to, say, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, the author of the fic may have only read to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

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My updating schedule is sporadic and basically I post whenever I have something ready to post. Real life is a bitch, and all. Just check the mod posts either through the tags or the memories, however, to find out what is being updated at the moment.

I recently acquired a Twitter (God help me), and I use it to post the updates as well. Go ahead and follow me if you like.

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Every entry on this journal is tagged and put in the memories. However, some of these tags may need some explanation, so here’s a basic rundown.

Aside: A small fic sporked in its entirety that is related to and goes with another, larger sporking. Example: “God I Hate That Ariana Black”
Bad Slash: Badfic that features male/male or female/female relationships. These are usually used in association with “sexy times”. Example: “Believe me”
Crossover: A multiple-fandom fic. Example: “The Elven Wizard”
Do Not Want: Fics that feature bad sex, language, or violence that goes beyond so bad it’s funny. It’s just so, so bad, disgusting, and usually incredibly infuriating or horrifying. Usually not for minors. Example: “Hogwarts Exposed”
Group Sporking: A sporking done by a lot of separate sporkers. Each chapter usually has a different sporker and different style. Example: “Year Six”
I Can Do It Better: Sometimes, a Suethor gets it into his or her head that not only did the canon get it wrong, but that they can correct all of the mistakes and make it better. As such, they wind up creating a big mess that is little more than the author getting up on a soap box and using all of the canon characters to preach their own views, whether that be pompously or whinily. It also usually features intense bashing of the characters they don’t like, massive OOCness, and canon Sue after canon Sue after canon Sue. Example: “Harry Potter & the Fall of a Dark Lord”
One Shot: These are not related to any other large fic, and are short, single-chapter fics sporked in their entirety. Example: “Love Blossoming”
Profile: These are long fics that have a few select passages sporked, while the rest of the fic is summed up in a neat profile, explaining all of the worst parts of the fic in simple list form. They are featured on places like deleterius and marysues. Example: “Everlasting Hope”
Sexy Times: Sporkings that feature sex. Probably smart to avoid these if you are a youngster. Example: “An Encounter in the Woods”
Wanky Quotes: Sometimes, Suethors get all in a huff when people criticize their work. As such, they throw huge tantrums and whine about how everybody who thinks their work isn’t good is so wrong and that it’s not FOR them and usually bring up at least one of the classic Suethor arguments, such as, “Don’t like, don’t read,” “It’s fanfiction, I can do what I want,” or, “I’ve got lots of reviews, so you can’t criticize.” Example: “The Ultimate Sue Review”
Way Too Many Fandoms: These are always used in conjunction with the “crossover” tag. Usually, I will just list the fandoms featured in the crossover. However, sometimes, the author decides one or two fandoms just isn’t enough and brings in four or five. And in even more cases, an author will not even label it a crossover—they’ll just draw from whatever fandom they can without bothering to disclaim it. The number of tags for these fics would be ridiculous, and some of them would only be used once or twice at most, so it is easier just to use this tag. Example: “Harry Potter and the Forgotten Realms”

Status Tags

There are five status tags. They are only present on fics that were large enough to warrant a table of contents, so will only be used in conjuntion with that particular tag.

Complete: This means that the sporking AND the fic have been finished. There will be no more updates on it from neither the sporker nor the Suethor.
In Progress: This means that the sporking is still on-going, you can expect updates from it in the future, and the sporker has intentions of finishing it.
Fic Abandoned: This means the sporking itself has been finished, but the fic was abandoned before the Suethor completed it (which is usually a good thing).
Incomplete: This means the sporker has decided to give up the ghost and leave the sporking unfinished. Do not expect further updates from this sporking.
Spork Passed: This means that the sporker who started the fic gave up, but someone else has taken over the sporking for them.

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I am not the only person who sporks here! I sometimes require a partner, and also tend to host or link to other sporkers. I like spreading the love. Here are the main players!

Das Mervin
That’s me, available at das_mervin.

Mrs. Hyde
Mrs. Hyde is my #1 partner. She’s the person who helped introduce me to the differences between good fic and bad fic, Mary Sues and good OCs. Yes, she is real—I have had people labor under the impression that she is a figment of my imagination for months. But she is a real person, and she is my shadow partner. No LJ, no visible email, no nothin’—so if you want to contact her, you have to go through me.

Ket Makura
Ket Makura is a snarky and totally awesome chick that I have many times had to call upon to save my bacon (especially with regards to Gethsemane). She hates Sues just as much as the rest of us, and she is not afraid to tell you exactly what she thinks of your crappy work.

Guardian’s Song
Also featured on LJ, guardians_song is probably one of THE MOST prolific sporkers I’ve ever seen. She has to have fifty different sporkers she uses, most of them either OCs or AU-versions of canon characters (usually Harry Potter based). She is not afraid to take on the worst of the worst (and has, really) and is a massive Grindelwald/Dumbledore shipper. Just try your best to keep her sporkers straight, and you’ll enjoy her sporkings immensely.

Gehayi
gehayi is an eloquent, acid-tongued editor who uses more than just snark to lacerate the things she sporks—she wields research like a gun and is more accurate than Annie Oakley. She hates bad writing with a fiery passion, and her most prominent sporkings featured here are definitely her contributions to the Twilight recaps—she sporked all but one or two of the Twilight asides Meyer posted on her website.

Zelda Queen
zelda_queen is another prolific sporker. While she has not sporked with me personally, she sporks badfic and books of all kinds. She very often takes up sporks that I abandoned—she completed “Child of Grace”, as well as taking over the sporks of “Heart of the Sea” and “Ghosts of the Abyss”. Very entertaining and very funny, I highly recommend her journal. Her analyses are spot-on and she is very thorough.

Sands
Agent Sheldon Jeffrey Sands is my partner almost if not as often as Hyde is. He’s a fictional character from the movie Once Upon a Time in Mexico, created from the collaboration of Robert Rodriguez, the director, and Johnny Depp, the one who played him. He’s fey, arrogant, a jerk, hates most people, a total flirt, wants to have sex with almost all who spork with him, is a total sociopath who enjoys killing almost as much as he enjoys annoying people, and is blind. His favorite partner is Snape (who he desperately wants to bed).

Snape
None other than the esteemed Potions Master, Severus Snape. We first started using him to get the sporking job done when it was suggested by the lovely gehayi that Snape and Sands spork a profile together. They did “Harry Potter & the Fall of a Dark Lord”, and thus a crackship was born. Snape is everyone’s inner bitch, so it was only appropriate he “sign up” for sporking duty.

Leah Clearwater
Not all things that came out of Twilight are bad, and Leah Clearwater proves that well. She is the only female werewolf in the books, and she is a fierce, sassy sporker with a lot of repressed rage she loves to let out on badfic—and occasionally her own canon. She’s particularly fond of Ket Makura, who is by far her favorite sporking partner.

Group Sporkings
Occasionally, you will see the tag “group sporkings”. These are used whenever more than four or five sporkers are used to lacerate a fic, most of the time because the fic is so bad no one person could possibly take it on and maintain their sanity.

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Alternate Title: Codependent Twits and the Sparkly Stalkers They Obsess Over
Author: Stephenie Meyer
Fandom(s): The Twilight Saga
Rating: PG-13
Summary: From the wet dreams creative genius mind wet dreams of Stephenie Meyer comes the first book in her magnum opus—TWILIGHT. These are a few of the things you’ll be seeing in this wonderful little fantasyland romp: obsession, stalking, abuse, bad grammar, bad spelling, Mary Sues, Gary Stus, thesaurus abuse, and sparkling. Things you won’t be seeing are a plot, action, and vampires. Fun for the whole family! In this first installment of the Twilight series, our so-called protagonist, Bella Swan, moves to Forks and sets her sights on the supposedly hot and not-so-mysterious EDWARD CULLEN. Whose secret is obvious by chapter two and revealed by chapter six (in the text, anyway—you could blame the people who wrote the summary for the book jacket; they blurt it out before you even read it). Stay a while as I, das_mervin, begin the long and arduous journey through Stephenie Meyer’s deepest, darkest fantasy.
Sporking Status: COMPLETE


Alternate Title: Sparkly Stalkers and the Codependent Twits They Obsess Over
Author: Stephenie Meyer
Fandom(s): The Twilight Saga
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Did you read the Twilight series thinking that Edward just wasn’t psychotic enough? That his condescension of anyone who wasn’t him was nice, but that Meyer really could have put in more? That you wanted more stalking, more abuse, and more sociopathic tendencies? More patronizing hand-holding? More dead herrings that top even those of Twilight? More chagrin? Because Meyer sure did. Introducing Midnight Sun, an unflinching (and unedited) look inside the mind of one Edward Cullen, dream man of thousands of girls everywhere. But certainly not Mrs. Hyde’s, as you shall see.
Sporking Status: SPORK COMPLETE; FIC ABANDONED


Alternate Title: As the Stereotypical Indian Turns (Into a Werewolf)
Author: Stephenie Meyer
Fandom(s): The Twilight Saga
Rating: PG-13
Summary: So, the first one didn’t slay you, huh? Well, Meyer’s not gonna take that lying down! Bella sure will, though. But did you expect anything less? This installment features pretty much nothing but our dearest Bella wailing to whoever will listen—mostly the audience—about how much pain she’s in and how life is not fair because why can’t she have her sparklepire and eat it, too? On top of all that, we get oodles of abuse, ridiculous delusions that are never explained and full of more plotholes than even Twilight had, a new set of villains that are not-so-thinly-veiled metaphors for Catholics, and a healthy dose of racism. Oh, and remember Dances With Plot? He gets a new name: Bag Of Punching! Marvel as Bella takes an innocent young boy and maliciously manipulates his feelings for her just so she can feel better about her ex-boyfriend! Don’t you just love Bella Swan.
Sporking Status: COMPLETE


Alternate Title: Everyone’s a Little Bit Rapist
Author: Stephenie Meyer
Fandom(s): The Twilight Saga
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Bella’s back and she’s got 50% more plot! And what’s any number times zero, kids? Boy, you all are smart little tots. While there is supposedly a plot in here about a Mystery Vampire Puppet Master running around creating newborn vampires to take out Bella Swan—or it would be a mystery if we were all as stupid as our protagonists and had just forgotten all about Victoria like they have—it’s really not about that at all. It’s about Meyer trying to shoehorn a love triangle into her book to pander to herself and her fans and drag this nonsense out even more than it already has been. Unfortunately, Meyer doesn’t understand what the definition of a love triangle is. Hint, Meyer—it’s not a love triangle when two of the three sides really aren’t interested in the third. Our resident Bag Of Punching gets yet another name: Dick Head. Edward’s levels of control and abuse skyrocket, and Bella is faced with her most terrible moral crisis yet: To werewolf or not to werewolf? How on earth will this terrible crisis be solved?! Spoiler: She doesn’t werewolf.
Sporking Status: IN PROGRESS


Alternate Title: YOU DUMBASS. *slap*
Author: Stephenie Meyer
Fandom(s): The Twilight Saga
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Bree Tanner! Man, she was such a rich and nuanced character, I’m sure you recognized the name immediately! Okay, yeah, we all know that half the people who ever read these books went, “Who?” when Meyer first announced this novella. In essentials, it is supposed to be the untold story of the newborn army (that we never saw, I might add) in Eclipse, specifically the story of the only survivor of the Cullens’ systematic slaughter of every last one of them—mostly kept alive so they could play with her for a little bit and then toss her to the Volturi to die. This book is revolutionary when it comes to style and characterization, though! Watch as Meyer takes what was once a vaguely pitiable and almost sympathetic character in Eclipse and, within five pages, turn her into the most unlikable, horrible, psychotic bitch since we got a look through Edward Cullen’s eyes in Midnight Sun. Interested in seeing how we can go from sympathizing with a character to cheering for her death so quickly? Then move forward, dear readers.
Sporking Status: COMING SOON


Alternate Title: Nothing Happens. At All.
Author: Stephenie Meyer
Fandom(s): The Twilight Saga
Rating: R
Summary: I believe I will preface this summary with a simple statement: Anything you have heard about this book? It’s 99.9% guaranteed to be true. That’s right. No matter how outrageous the rumor, how insane the description, how unbelievable the plot device, it actually probably happens. I tell you that now to make sure you cast off all doubts and sanity, because it’s the only way you’re going to survive this clusterfuck. Breaking Dawn, the final book in the series! The end of Bella’s journey to become a beautiful and sparkly and immortal vampire. We’ve spent three books listening to her whine just to get to this point—boy, Meyer sure has a lot to live up to with this finale! Will she manage? Doubtful, but she will manage new heights of bad writing, horrible characterization, scarring mental images, and plotus interruptus the likes of which we have never seen. In fact, it was so insanely bad I had to enlist not one, not two, but four assistant sporkers. Dare you go on? I’ll bet you do—your trainwreck syndrome demands it. Come on in and watch Mervin, Mrs. Hyde, Snape, Sands, and Leah take on the ultimate fail in Meyer’s blisteringly bad series, The Twilight Saga.
Sporking Status: COMING SOON

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Alternate Title: Ariana’s Pity Party
Author: Ariana Black
Fandom(s): Harry Potter
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Let’s begin the trauma-trip! Joining us in this sad, strange little world are Airhead the Ho, Hairy Potty the Dumb-Butt, Don Weasel the Moron, Herm Stranger the Hermaphrodite, Ninny Weasel the valley girl, Devil Shortbottom and Flake-O Boy-Toy the pedophiles, Severed Snap the shocked horror, Serious Smack, in the same boat as Hairy and Al Bumblybore, the doddering old fart! Watch as Ariana Black does nothing but sob over the horrible secret that has ruined her life and, even though no one at this school knows what it is, she never wastes a minute crying over it and making it as evident as possible! And it doesn’t help that Voldemort is simply put on hold while Ariana whines about her horrible secret!
Sporking Status: COMPLETE


Alternate Title: Ariana’s Useless Chapters
Author: Ariana Black
Fandom(s): Harry Potter
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A new Sue talent arises! We have absolutely pointless chapters of crap and the introduction of SUE-PER POWERS! Watch as she turns Boy-Toy into a quivering pile! Observe as bad things come out of nowhere, last three seconds, then are promptly forgotten! Become STUNNED as Voldemort randomly appears for three pages with no Death Eaters except Peter Pettigrew and even more randomly decides that Ariana is the ultimate weapon against Harry! And puke when Neville sleeps with Ariana through grammatical error! And, as a final touch, ENTER THE SCARY SUES!!!
Sporking Status: COMPLETE


Alternate Title: Ariana’s Useless YEAR
Author: Ariana Black
Fandom(s): Harry Potter
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Just when you thought it couldn’t get any worse. She returns in all her glory, outdoing everyone at everything even more than she already was, more repetition of her Sue-per powers than her secret she could tell no one in Year One, sap oozing from every pulsating boil this fic has, and Voldemort’s new randomness of the day: Ariana is much more important than Harry could EVER hope to be in his nefarious plans! Not only that, bimbo Canon-Sue Hermione, the hopeless cheerleader, and Ditzy Vally-Girl Canon-Sue Ginny return for an encore! This one is SO useless, it drives Hyde COMPLETELY and UTTERLY over the EDGE. Poor Hyde. If you had a heart, you would send her $20.
Sporking Status: COMPLETE


Alternate Title: Ariana and the Beating of the Readers’ Heads with the Word “Empath”
Author: Ariana Black
Fandom(s): Harry Potter
Rating: PG-13
Summary: After large quantities of chocolate, caffeine, and Snape, Hyde returns to normal, just in time to have Mervin be traumatized by Year Four. The author wanted to make sure we understand that Ariana Black and her SUE-PER POWERS are the COOLEST THING IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE AND WE HAD BETTER LIKE IT, DAMMIT. Meaning the word “Empath” is repeated about fifty times a page! Yay! We really wanted to read a fic devoted ENTIRELY to her reveling in her SUE-PER powers! And we all commit mass suicide as the author decides that mutilating the students and Dumbledore wasn’t enough—she moves onto SEVERUS SNAPE and turns him into a quivering pink pile of rat crap! Huzzah!
Sporking Status: COMPLETE


Alternate Title: Ariana and the Ultimate Snape Rape
Author: Ariana Black
Fandom(s): Harry Potter
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Just like in Year Four, the author decided to beat us over the head with not only her SUE-PER powers, but also the fact that Severus Snape is completely out of character! The plot centers around NOTHING, the characters all know NOTHING, and we learn absolutely NOTHING about *gasp* NOTHING! Wait…we think Voldemort is in there somewhere, but we’re not sure. Something happens. But it’s crap. If you didn’t hate Ariana before this, you will despise her with everything you have now.
Sporking Status: COMPLETE


Alternate Title: Ariana, the Fanon Sues, and Yet Another Useless Year
Author: Ariana Black
Fandom(s): Harry Potter
Rating: PG-13
Summary: And here we go again—useless year! Again. The title has nothing to do with the actual fic, and the fic has absolutely nothing to with anything. In this sad, strange little fanon universe, we have Voldemort FINALLY getting his rear in gear and actually trying to take over the world, Herm and Don getting married and doing that classic of revolting cake-smashing antics, even MORE of that pathetic pissant Snape that nobody wanted to see in the first place, and the author finally trying to establish a few plot points before dropping them on us like a cow from the sky. Oh, and did we mention sniveling, pant-snogging fanon Sues and Stus? *waves flag* Yay.
Sporking Status: COMPLETE


Alternate Title: Ariana and the Year of Infidelity combined with Her Largest Violation of Canon Yet
Author: Ariana Black
Fandom(s): Harry Potter
Rating: PG-13
Summary: And finally, the moment we’ve all be waiting for!!! Or, rather, been dreading. The final year of the Ariana Black Series. And what a finale it is. Take all the angst, the whining, the sappy-crappy, the OOCness, the violations of canon and all the other shtuff that you hated from the previous six years and roll it all into one. Then, add some serious infidelity, more arrogance than you can shake a stick at, even more pointless nonsense than all the previous years combined, more stupidity than Airhead’s capture in Year Five, and just a dash of Voldemort, for kicks. The result? Year Seven. A few “highlights:” 1) more chapters of pointless crap than chapters that actually pertain to the plot, 2) skipping funerals in favor of sex, 3) the Sue mother coming back for a posthumous encore, 4) the “return” of Quidditch, 5) really crappy chapter titles, 6) and more wangst on the part of Airhead than in Year One. The longest, most painful fic we’ve done yet. It keeps on going, and going, and going, and going, and…you get the idea. Drives Madame Mervin and Mistress Hyde insane several times. Prepare yourself for the ultimate three-ring circus of pain.
Sporking Status: IN PROGRESS

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Alternate Title: AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
Author: Neil
Fandom(s): Harry Potter
Rating: NC-17
Summary: So. “Hogwarts Exposed”. You’ve probably seen it mentioned in the sporkings featured here, and all sporkers refer to it with either intense hatred, mind-numbing fear, garment-rending rage, absolute horror, or a combination of all four. Well, when you see these sporkings, you will see exactly why we tend to react that way. “Hogwarts Exposed” is the first fic in a series of four that author Neil has produced. And they are nothing but the result of the twisted and perverse workings of the mind of one of the foulest, most disgusting, deviated, and misogynistic pedophiles that has ever graced the internet. “Celebrian”? Tame. “Subjugation”? Yawn. “Little Miss Mary”? Doesn’t even compare. This is, without a doubt, the most disgusting fanfiction ever written. The reason? Because the author himself is the most pretentious little shit ever. He has an easy way to excuse any of his revolting fantasies—you point out what they are, he handwaves it by saying you’re just prejudiced. And you will see why.
Sporking Status: COMPLETE


Alternate Title: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Author: Neil
Fandom(s): Harry Potter
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Oh, back for more, are you? Did you not get enough pain in the previous year? Well, if that wasn’t enough for you, Neil definitely rose to the challenge (and that’s not all that rose with him, guaranteed). This year has laws actively dictating what women can and can’t do with their sexuality—meaning they are pretty much what Neil thinks women should be allowed to do. When they can have sex, what they can do when they have sex, how they may behave when it comes to being attractive to men, getting pregnant, abortion, bowing to the Almighty Cock—basically, all of the filth, pedophilia, perversion, misogyny, rape, multiplied by ten. And, just as the (popped) cherry on top of this huge sundae of manure, you get all the same cardboard cutouts that populate these fics, only they’ve somehow managed to become even flatter than they were already. Still here? Then click the cut, pass go, collect your $200, and move on to Chapter One.
Sporking Status: COMPLETE


Alternate Title: BLEEEAAAAAARRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!
Author: Neil
Fandom(s): Harry Potter
Rating: NC-17
Summary: MY GOD. How many times are you going to come back for more?! Are you that into pain?! Is your trainwreck syndrome really that bad?! Mark my words, it will get you killed one of these days, because remember all of the horrible stuff that happened in “Hogwarts Too Exposed”? Nothing compared to what happens in this one, my dear readers. I could give you a summary of the plot, but really, does it mean anything? NO. IT DOESN’T.
Sporking Status: COMPLETE


Alternate Title: *dies*
Author: Neil
Fandom(s): Harry Potter
Rating: NC-17
Summary: No. No point in summaries anymore. This… No. *walks off*
Sporking Status: SPORK COMPLETE; FIC ABANDONED

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Alternate Title: Serial Killers are Hawt
Author: Gethsemane Butler
Fandom(s): Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Rating: R
Summary: When Tim Burton announced that he would be directing a movie adaptation of Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street and his pick for the titular character would be his husband perennial favorite, Johnny Depp, I knew there would be Sues. How could you not think there would be? However, the Sues themselves were slow to emerge, as the film had a somewhat limited release. For a time, I was tentatively hoping that maybe very few would show up. But I should have known better—after all, he’s a brooding, vengeful psychopath who can always be changed for the better by a good woman, right? So it was no surprise when I checked The Pit and found this waiting for me. This right here was the very first Mary Sue to ever grace the fandom. And it’s probably one of the worst, mostly because this author is the biggest, most arrogant and full of herself Suethor this side of the Atlantic. Oh, sorry—according to her, she’s not on this side of the Atlantic. She lives in Paris with her three perfect children and has seven houses on two continents and wears 3000 Euro dresses regularly and wears gothic clothes and casually lounges in silk nightgowns and her husband is Gerard Butler—but she calls him Erik. My apologies—minor digression. I’ll sum up—this Sue SUCKS.
Sporking Status: COMPLETE


Alternate Title: Sweeney Todd, Interior Decorator of Fleet Street
Author: Gethsemane Butler
Fandom(s): Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Rating: R
Summary: You didn’t think Gethsemane would let Sweeney Todd off with just one fic, right? No, she enjoys mindless, babbling praise too much! That, and she hadn’t written nearly enough sex between herself and Johnny Depp. So she wrote a sequel. In reality, she wrote a cheap, hackneyed rip-off of the original story. But since when are Suethors ever ones to worry over the finer details? This sporking features several guest sporkers! I am joined by Agent Sands, who sat out in the last fic, guardians_song, pulchraverba, and Ket Makura. I was damn happy to have ‘em. guardians_song actually kicks off the fic and the first few chapters deleterius style (because I was worn out after “Salvation” and she dutifully took up the torch). Thanks, guys, for all your help.
Sporking Status: COMPLETE


Alternate Title: Guilt is Not Allowed in Sueland!
Author: Gethsemane Butler
Fandom(s): Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Rating: R
Summary: She is officially ready for her close-up, Mr. Burton. Gethsemane’s Sue, Victoria, is back for the third time, and unfortunately, it is most assuredly NOT the charm. Fortunately, it’s unfinished. But that doesn’t stop her from jam-packing this one with all of the same crap you’ve already read in the previous two fics—and more! I guess she figured she didn’t have quite enough clichés in the last fics, so she feels the need to double her efforts! You know, double your pleasure, double your fun? So let’s strap in and dive once more into the depths of Suedom, this time with 50% less plot, 100% more stupidity, and infinitely more fail!
Sporking Status: SPORK COMPLETE; FIC ABANDONED


Alternate Title: We’re Gonna Need A Lot More Rum Before We’re Through
Author: Gethsemane Butler
Fandom(s): Pirates of the Caribbean
Rating: PG-13
Summary: You know everything you love about good ol’ Captain Jack Sparrow? His cleverness, his humor, his carefree attitude, his devotion to only two things, himself and his ship, his determination, his need for rum, his bed-hopping habits, and his STDs? Gethsemane didn’t like any aspects of his character as presented in the movies, so she threw them all out and instead saddled us with this sorry, weepy, co-dependent and pussy-whipped sack of shit and then threw in her own self-insert who can trample all over canon and characters and poke her nose where it’s not wanted. Remember how invasive she was in the Sweeney Todd fandom? Oh, baby—you ain’t seen nothin’ yet.
Sporking Status: COMPLETE


Alternate Title: Harlequin Hentai. What More Do You Want?
Author: Gethsemane Butler
Fandom(s): Pirates of the Caribbean
Rating: R
Summary: The sequel to “Heart of the Sea”! I could give you a summary, but really, you all only came to this for one thing—the harlequin tentacle sex. Because it’s in there. And I’m not joking. So trying to summarize this fic would be pointless, wouldn’t it?
Sporking Status: IN PROGRESS


Alternate Title: NOT MY JARETH, YOU BITCH
Author: Gethsemane Butler
Fandom(s): Labyrinth
Rating: R
Summary: Gethsemane is back! Or rather, I’m sporking one of her earlier works. This little gem is from the Labyrinth fandom, and her precious OC is Sarah’s younger sister. Jareth has prophetic dreams about having sex with her, which somehow means they are to be married. It’s the same, tired, clichéd harlequin story that this particular Suethor is so fond of rehashing over and over and OVER again, just insert whatever guy she’s lusting after at the time into the little hole cut out for the lead male. Seeing as Labyrinth is pretty much a huge staple of my childhood, and Jareth was my version of a lot of young boys’ reaction to Princess Leia in a gold bikini, I was not about to take that lying down.
Sporking Status: SPORK COMPLETE; FIC ABANDONED

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Alternate Title: Rose Potter is a Bitch
Author: Keiran Halcyon
Fandom(s): Harry Potter
Rating: R
Summary: Every so often, you come across one of those extraordinary Sues that is apparently so notorious, so awful, so incredibly foul, and so blatant that it actually manages to garner its own page on TV Tropes. Yes, Rose Potter is that, a naked ninja druidess Girl-Who-Lived Sue who is probably one of if not the worst “replace Harry Potter with a girl who is really the author’s self-insert” Suefic out there. And I, das_mervin, sporked virtually every word without assistance. This is her first year, where Rose, at age eleven, gleefully carves out a swath of murder and mayhem throughout Hogwarts, “correcting” Harry’s supposedly flaws as she goes and slavishly following canon so the author doesn’t have to write anything new even though it is more than clear that her actions would change the HP universe radically. You’ve probably heard of her, folks. Well, here she is. The beginning of the END.
Sporking Status: COMPLETE


Alternate Title: Rose Potter is a Psychopathic Bitch
Author: Keiran Halcyon
Fandom(s): Harry Potter
Rating: R
Summary: Not content to smash her way through one book, Rose quickly took her rise to power in stride and marched fearlessly (and nakedly) into Chamber of Secrets. However, she was not content to remain in the nude alone—no, her master plan would not allow it. She ultimately desired to be rid of that disgusting Weasley boy, and thus decided to replace him with something better—his sister! It was not difficult for her to strip Ginny Weasley of her clothes and her modesty, and by fic’s end soon had a naked acolyte. And so she continues her bloody reign of terror, twisting canon events and yet still slavishly following them, refusing to deviate in the slightest from almost all original outcomes so Halcyon doesn’t have to write anything more original than stripping all of the girls naked and having them soap each other up in the showers.
Sporking Status: COMPLETE


Alternate Title: Rose Potter is a Psychopathic Canon-Raping Bitch
Author: Keiran Halcyon
Fandom(s): Harry Potter
Rating: R
Summary: Rose has often “solved” the mysteries way ahead of that idiot Harry Potter, for she is smarter than he is. But now, she does the greatest move in destroying all of the suspense and mystery by revealing the entire plot by the second chapter. From there, the entire fic is literally pointless, merely her recapping everything that happened—except there is no conflict at all. None. She knows who Sirius is, knows who Pettigrew is and quickly has him removed and jailed, and so essentially goes through canon unobstructed by things like plot. But wait, you might say—how can she possibly remove Pettigrew? Isn’t Halcyon well-known for adhering ridiculously to the original material so he can write with minimal effort? How true that is. Rose solves that problem—she lets Pettigrew go. Intrigued? Read on.
Sporking Status: COMPLETE


Alternate Title: Rose Potter is a Psychopathic Canon-Raping Entitlement-Whore Bitch
Author: Keiran Halcyon
Fandom(s): Harry Potter
Rating: R
Summary: Three books down, and Rose shows no signs of stopping. Oh, quite the opposite. It’s argued that here is where she built the most steam. Really, I don’t need to tell you much of anything except the following points: Carving words into Ron’s forehead after viciously beating him, turning Cedric Diggory into a more subservient version of Edward Cullen (which is very amazing, all things considered), dueling with Voldemort and gleefully murdering people while she is at it, and refusing to let Cedric Diggory die by saving him with a deus ex machina of ridiculous proportions. Move forward, dear readers. Move forward.
Sporking Status: COMPLETE


Alternate Title: Rose Potter is a Psychopathic Cock-Sucking Canon-Raping Entitlement-Whore Bitch
Author: Keiran Halcyon
Fandom(s): Harry Potter
Rating: R
Summary: Ritual sex on top of Stonehenge. Descriptions of nipple-sizes. Justifying entitlement behavior. Glorifying her abilities. Bullying her friends into murder. Walking willfully into a trap by Voldemort while claiming it’s all part of a master plan. Killing Sirius mostly so she can have all of his stuff. I really don’t have much else to say anymore, you know that?
Sporking Status: COMPLETE


Alternate Title: Rose Potter is a Psychopathic Cock-Sucking Canon-Raping Entitlement-Whore Plagiarizing Bitch
Author: Keiran Halcyon
Fandom(s): Harry Potter
Rating: R
Summary: The last one! And only seven chapters long, because after chapter seven? Halcyon realized just what a hole he had dug for himself. Shortly after he finished the seventh chapter, the seventh book was released and completely destroyed everything he had written. He could no longer just rely on canon and ride it out and change a few details here and there to make his avatar look good. There was simply no possible way to be lazy anymore. So he completely abandoned it! After, of course, once again revealing the entire mystery by that seventh chapter. He went out with a bang, if anything.
Sporking Status: SPORK COMPLETE; FIC ABANDONED

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Alternate Title: Child of Infinite Wangst
Author: Lady Azar de Tameran
Fandom(s): Harry Potter
Rating: R
Summary: There are just some times where you find a fic that…needs to be sporked. The whole thing. Which is oftentimes a problem, especially for fics that are forty chapters long and over 250,000 words. But then again, you do have some people who are out of their flippin’ minds and undertake these sorts of sporkings because they are crazy. Take me, for instance. I’ve sporked all of Rose Potter, have nearly sporked all of Ariana Black, took it upon myself to script and spork Jennifer Craw, who has no less than TWENTY fics in her particular series, and now I find THIS fic. “Child of Grace,” by Lazy Azar de Tameran. I think I officially qualify as crazy, or at least thorough. And this fic needs to be sporked. It’s got angst out the wazoo, Slytherin glorifying, Weasley bashing, “I’ve read ahead” syndrome in spades, Sue-per powers, and more. It’s really a newer, Slytherin-based version of “Rose Potter” on some levels. And as much as I hate Rose Potter, part of me misses the knowledge that I could always go back and spork her—even though now I can’t, because I finished her. *sniff* You know, now that she’s not around anymore, I kind of miss her. I never really appreciated her until she was gone. *emo tear* So I need a new project. Jennifer Craw bores me too much, I’ve decided, to start her up now, and I can’t start a sporking when I’m bored. This one excites me. It pleases me. It amuses me. It makes me derisively laugh. And it needs to be sporked—it’s got hundreds reviews, almost all positive, and it needs a negative one for a change. So here I am, undertaking the sporking, doing my best to try, and hopefully succeeding.
Sporking Status: COMPLETE

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Alternate Title: The Lord of the Rings…in Less than 29 Pages!
Author: okeydokeypoky
Fandom(s): The Lord of the Rings
Rating: PG
Summary: Our first LotR Sue, and boy is she a doozy!! The fic is nothing more than a short and choppy recap of the movie (as the author assumes that you’ve seen it and wants to give you a few time and location pointers) interspersed with asides from her character wangsting about this and that, or warping several—no, wait—all of the canon characters horribly out of character. Thrill as this Sue bowls over EVERY SINGLE “HOT” MALE IN THE LOTR UNIVERSE. Meaning she’s a ho. Grimace as Aragorn puts his grubby paws all over the Sue at the most inopportune moments he can find. Laugh as Mervin and Mrs. Hyde become violently enraged when this slut tries to get in the pants of the Brothers Gondor. And gag at all the horrible phallic imagery in this story. Golden bow, indeed!
Sporking Status: COMPLETE

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Alternate Title: Because God Hates Me
Author: Touch of the Wind
Fandom(s): Twilight/Supernatural
Rating: R
Summary: When the episode titled “Live Free or Twi-Hard” aired, we got to see what happens when Twilight collides head-on with “Supernatural”—it gets beheaded. But what happens when you take that same collision and put it into the hands of an actual Twihard? “Because God Commanded It” happens. This fic is the utter destruction and desecration of “Supernatural”, taking every theme it has from “family is everything” to “humanity wins” and shoving it aside to make room for the themes of the Twilight series. The characterizations of everyone we know and love from Kripke’s series are systematically slaughtered and replaced with those Meyer created. And just to add insult to injury? The angel Castiel gets defiled by none other than Bella Swan. I think we can all agree that Meg is infinitely preferable. This isn’t gonna be pretty, folks.
Sporking Status: IN PROGRESS

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Das Ranting is a relatively new little series I am adding to the community. They are all videos, and are basically me ranting about whatever comes to mind. They tend towards Twilight at the moment, seeing as that is my main focus, but I do try my best to include other subjects. Enjoy listening to my nasal voice and mock me for sounding like a thirteen-year-old girl when I’m really in my twenties!

Episode List

Episode 1, Part 1: Mervin Takes On Bella/Castiel
Episode 1, Part 2: Mervin Takes On Bella/Castiel
Episode 2: Hate it for the Right Reason! – Vampires Versus Sunlight
Episode 3: Mervin Discusses SAW
Episode 4: Hate it for the Right Reason! – Sparkling Vampires
Episode 5: Hate it for the Right Reason! – Fangless Vampires
Episode 6: Mervin Discusses Episode 6.10 of Supernatural

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I’m not the only sporker by far! Be sure and check out these other sporkers!

twispitefic: The das_sporking sister community! In my Twilight recaps, I have a tendency to write tiny spitefics to address certain issues where words fail—I write a small excerpt that injects reality into a situation Meyer has spun to show how it would really go. I apparently started a trend with it, and readers started submitting their own to the comments. gehayi and I comod the comm, so if you have questions, feel free to ask us anything you want.

marysues: The original Mary Sue sporking journal on LJ! They spork Sues from any and all fandoms, using a simple profile format.

deleterius: These guys spork Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter Sues exclusively. This is where I got my start as a sporker, guys—good place to start if you want to get off the ground with your own sporkings.

pottersues: The Potter Sue of the Day report! Every day (or close to) they post a new Harry Potter Sue or Stu and a small excerpt. This is the journal where the terms Sparklypoo, Tootsitramp, Bitchiwitch, and Qanonreip originated.

silver_sporks: This LJ community sporks only the worst of the worst. They are mostly group sporkings, so you can volunteer to take a chapter or two on their projects.

sue_assassins: Run by doodasnapefreak. This community is where the sporkings of “Hogwarts OverExposed” and “Hogwarts UnderExposed” currently live. This sporker is unafraid to take on the worst and most vile Sues out there.

The HMS STFU: After Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was released, the Harry/Hermione shippers—AKA the Harmoanians—had quite a snit-fit about it. On a lark, I sporked an “essay” one of them had written complaining that Harry kissed Ginny instead of Hermione, and took it to deleterius for fun. The final line of the sporking was that my ship was now the HMS STFU, and I was coming for them with a spork and a loaded canon. I soon received dozens of comments asking where they could sign up for that ship—and bam! We now have a community. We like to mock shipping wank and canon denial from any and all fandoms, though we are primarily Harry Potter.

zelda_queen: Zelda has taken on some of the worst of the worst in terms of published novels. She has sporked The Legend of Rah and the Muggles, the book written by Nancy Stouffer—who tried to Sue JK Rowling for plagiarism. She’s also a kind soul, who very often takes mercy on me and takes over sporkings I give up because she is a stronger sporker than I. I highly recommend her.

shaolina: Shaolina recaps bad novels as well, including Stephenie Meyer’s The Host. Her freewheeling style and ability to find subtext in anything make her a delightful read.

Kippur’s Eragon Analyses: Also located at kippurbird. Kippur is quite a big name in the sporking realm, but by far is most famous for the spot-on and well-deserved analyses of the Eragon series. Kippur takes bad books and chapter by chapter critically analyzes them with humor, aplomb and sometimes sheer rage using the criteria set out in classical literature methods.

Reasoning with Vampires: While most dissections of Twilight focus almost solely on content and theme and characterization, this blog is almost entirely devoted to tearing apart Meyer’s mechanics.

The Twilight Snarker: A blog devoted entirely to ripping Twilight a new one! It’s another sporker that uses the long and detailed recapping style I tend to favor, so if that is your thing, you’ll love this one.

Blogging Twilight: If you don’t know about Dan’s Blogging Twilight on Sparknotes yet, you are obviously living under a rock. My Twilight recaps are nasty, long-winded, and angry. His are hilarious, to the point, and almost whimsical. Can’t recommend this one enough!

Mark Reads Twilight: Mark read Twilight. Mark hated Twilight. If you ever wanted to see someone get angrier than me at Stephenie Meyer’s novels, this is the guy for you. Again, if you haven’t heard of this dude, get with the program!



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